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Listening to: From the Choirgirl Hotel. Not for long, though... it's not really matching my mood quite like I was expecting it too.

Currently Reading: Just barely started Jonathan Lethem's Gun, With Occasional Music. Kind of saving it for the train, as well as a stack of others (both fiction and non). Also, I recently read Laurie Notaro's I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl (again) in like two days, and peed myself laughing. Highly recommended. I also devoured The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel in, like, a mere few days. Laughed until I peed. Also highly recommended.

Wishing: income. Lots of it. Other than that, life's pretty good.

I couldn't be more The current mood of ronkc@diaryland.com at www.imood.com right now.

Buy "Civilised Conversation..." Merchandise! Please? All the cool kids are doing it....

Please help me pay for college by purchasing items from Amazon.com through this link!!

Do you love me?

26 December 2001 | 8:03 PM

Maybe You'll Leave The Light On

Okay.

As y'all may know, my parents are here. I haven't had my Ritalin in 2 days. I had to go without one of my acne medications today because, though I had actually cancelled the appointment, they thought I just blew them off, and, in retaliation, will not authorise any more medication refills. I will now dry out and blow away in the chilly, chilly wind. Just you wait. If I don't update ever again, you'll know what happened.

I feel bad, but I have to blow off some steam regarding my Mother. I hope you all will either tolerate me for a moment, or close this window immediately. Anything else could be hazardous to your health.

I feel like my Mother has a difficult time completing a thought in one breath. I feel like all of her pauses and train-of-thought derailments are really common. Thus, I become quite exhausted because I feel like I expend a lot of energy listening to her. She also repeats herself. This saps my energy as well.

Sometimes she does things that make me feel bad about myself. For instance, this evening in the grocery store, she stood right in my way, and when I didn't move, (she must have thought that I was waiting for her lead), she said, "Hey, this is your party." At the checkout line, I was waiting for her to place her two purchases on the counter before I put my basket up there. She said, "Well, put your basket up there!" She was very loud. I felt like she did it to make me feel stupid, like I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I know, in my mind, that it wasn't her intent. It just felt very condescending, I think. They dropped me off, and after I kissed her cheek goodbye, and after we exchanged "I love you's" and "Have a good night's," she said to me, "Hey, you're welcome for the dinner." I was very embarassed. I still am. I said, "Oh, I'm sorry. Thanks for dinner." She just kind of looked at me.

I started to think about when I was in high school, and what a mess I was. And what a mess she must have been. And what affect that had on me. And how long that lasts. She really terrified me, sometimes. And she really made me feel awful about myself. I have a journal entry from one night during my high school days after she had said or done something to me that made me feel terrible about myself, and I wrote something to the effect of, "I have never done drugs. I do not smoke, I do not drink. I do my best in school. I'm as nice as I can be and I'm often accomodating beyond my means. This one little thing, and she treats me like a delinquent." Honestly, now that I think about it, I can think of lots of instances where I had to say that to myself.

And of course, both then and now, I would never have been able to say anything to her. I was/am concerned about both my mental health and that of her own. It seems as though I value her wellbeing over that of my own. Either that, or I just can't deal with confrontation. Both, probably.

Something was seriously wrong with that picture. And still is, really.

Thank God I got out when I did. And thank God I'm in therapy. I shall have to bring this up next time.

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Oh, Whoops. - 10:34 PM , 02 September 2005

In Like Hula-Hoops. - 11:28 PM , 12 April 2005

A - Z - 4:37 AM , 26 March 2005

w00t - 12:15 AM , 25 March 2005

Just Let Her Go. - 12:12 AM , 20 March 2005

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