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Listening to: From the Choirgirl Hotel. Not for long, though... it's not really matching my mood quite like I was expecting it too.

Currently Reading: Just barely started Jonathan Lethem's Gun, With Occasional Music. Kind of saving it for the train, as well as a stack of others (both fiction and non). Also, I recently read Laurie Notaro's I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl (again) in like two days, and peed myself laughing. Highly recommended. I also devoured The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel in, like, a mere few days. Laughed until I peed. Also highly recommended.

Wishing: income. Lots of it. Other than that, life's pretty good.

I couldn't be more The current mood of ronkc@diaryland.com at www.imood.com right now.

Buy "Civilised Conversation..." Merchandise! Please? All the cool kids are doing it....

Please help me pay for college by purchasing items from Amazon.com through this link!!

Do you love me?

30 July 2004 | 7:59 PM

An entry in which I self-indulgently wallow in self-pity. A Ronk family forte.

Okay.

So, sort of still in love with the boy. Who is straight, and a good friend, who knows secrets that I've never told anyone. And now he's sort of seeing this girl. And soon he's leaving for Europe.

We were supposed to talk this week, but it never really happened. I did manage to drunkenly stumble to his house and wait for him to come home (with the girl, incidentally) where it was a lot of awkward sitting around with him, the girl and a couple roommates. I decided then to go home and it was awkward. I cried all the way home. Isn't that pathetic?

The next morning, having realized my atrocious mistake, I phoned him while waiting for the bus to appologize profusely. He said that it had been a stressful day from moving (they have to be out of the house by Sunday, so, day after tomorrow), and that my presence was completely unexpected. He never said, "that's okay," or "no worries," and I will forever kick myself for having been such a fool.

I emailed him yesterday, though their Internet connection has been cancelled because of the moving. Here's what I said:

Okay.

I know you're not really checking email, but I just don't have what it takes to call you right now.

Again, I have to say that I'm really sorry for the other night. Note to self: don't drink and THEN make decisions. I hope to Bob that you'll forgive me for unforgivable behaviour. If not, I understand. The LAST thing I wanted was to fuck up our friendship, and I'm worried that I may have gone and done that. I hope you still want to be friends with me. God, I hope you still want to be friends with me.

This is going to get better. I swear. I've resolved to take a backseat to this thing that's going on inside. I've realized that I've invited you into my feelings, but that nothing will ever happen in that department, so I've really done all I can do. And even after that, I've pushed a little too hard. So, if these feelings go away, then they do. And if not, things can't get any worse than they were at very first, and that makes things seem a little easier to live with.

If I don't get a chance to see you, I hope you have a great time in Europe, that you stay safe, take care of yourself, and continue to grace the world with your presence in that unique way with the personal flair that you always have. And if I *have* fucked up this friendship, and you're not planning on writing back, then good luck, and Godspeed. Thank you for all you've done for me.

With continued admiration, I remain very truly yours,

Chris

So that's it. I may never see him again. I feel like a World War Two Widow, having lost a person about whom I care very much without a chance of saying goodbye, sentenced to a life of mourning-clothed singularity and lonliness. My bed is cold and hard, my apartment is a mess, and I've never wanted it to look less lived in than ever.

In other news, I find out on Monday if I got the job for which I interviewed twice in the past two weeks. I'll keep you updated.

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