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Listening to: From the Choirgirl Hotel. Not for long, though... it's not really matching my mood quite like I was expecting it too.

Currently Reading: Just barely started Jonathan Lethem's Gun, With Occasional Music. Kind of saving it for the train, as well as a stack of others (both fiction and non). Also, I recently read Laurie Notaro's I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl (again) in like two days, and peed myself laughing. Highly recommended. I also devoured The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel in, like, a mere few days. Laughed until I peed. Also highly recommended.

Wishing: income. Lots of it. Other than that, life's pretty good.

I couldn't be more The current mood of ronkc@diaryland.com at www.imood.com right now.

Buy "Civilised Conversation..." Merchandise! Please? All the cool kids are doing it....

Please help me pay for college by purchasing items from Amazon.com through this link!!

Do you love me?

19 December 2004 | 11:19 PM

Rejected. The Whole Story.

Okay.

Got back from the Five-Day Silent Ignatian Spirituality Retreat. It was almost as hard-core and bad-ass as I am. Almost. Learned a lot about myself and cleared up some issues. Got some things into perspective, and I'm totally recharged for the new year. I hope.

But the story you've all been waiting for: how Chris got his damned ass rejected.

I had been seeing this guy for about a week or two. I don't know for sure how long, but it was really good. We spent some really good time together (including in bed, I say, with my hand over my face). He met some of my friends and liked them a lot, and they liked him, too. I met some of his friends, and they seemed to like me a lot, and I liked them, too. As far as I could tell, things were going really well. And then I got this weird feeling that something bad was about to happen. I decided to wait it out.

I had left my cell phone at his place one night, so he came to return it. He had come upstairs and found me with a book on my sofa, with a smile on my face, and trepidation in my heart.

"Hey, how are you?" I asked.
"Okay." he replied, handing me my cell phone.
"Can I get you some tea or something?" I offered.
"No, thanks," he declined. There was a look on his face. Hmm.
"Siddown," I invited, indicating the area on the sofa next to me.
"Chris, I can't see you anymore."
B'bam.
"Okay."
"It's not you-- you're great. It's just that, when we're drunk and stoned, I like you a lot, but when I'm sober, I just don't feel the same way. And I can't put us in that kind of situation."
"Okay," I said, pretending I hadn't just been kicked in the beans. I noticed he started shaking (sometimes he does that when he's either nervous, or he was drunk the night before, hasn't eaten all day, and is loaded on coffee. But I thought it might be something different this time, taking the situation into consideration). "You going to be okay?" I'm stupid like that sometimes.
"Yeah," he assured.
"Okay. Get home safe." Christ, I'm a loser.
"Okay," he said. And then he walked out of my life.

So, this Christmas just may be spent alone. Cool. Like I even cared to begin with, and it sucks because whenever anyone hears that I'm going to be alone for Christmas, they're like, "Oh, that's so sad! I'll call my mom and see if we can have you over." Thanks, but I think I'd rather be alone. Note to self: buy a chicken-pot-pie-for-one. Delicious. Anyway.

So, I'm trying to decide if it's that I miss him, or if it's that I miss the attention he gave me, especially in the way he did. Probably the latter, but still, I'm just gross. I'm trying to avoid listening to music that contains the word "love." Or "kiss" or "grind" or "him." This last part is proving to be somewhat of a challenge.

To make me feel better, I'm filling out the application for ABC's "Extreme Makeover." If anyone wants to help me out with my tape, please call asap.

Sigh.

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Oh, Whoops. - 10:34 PM , 02 September 2005

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Just Let Her Go. - 12:12 AM , 20 March 2005

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