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Listening to: From the Choirgirl Hotel. Not for long, though... it's not really matching my mood quite like I was expecting it too.

Currently Reading: Just barely started Jonathan Lethem's Gun, With Occasional Music. Kind of saving it for the train, as well as a stack of others (both fiction and non). Also, I recently read Laurie Notaro's I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl (again) in like two days, and peed myself laughing. Highly recommended. I also devoured The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel in, like, a mere few days. Laughed until I peed. Also highly recommended.

Wishing: income. Lots of it. Other than that, life's pretty good.

I couldn't be more The current mood of ronkc@diaryland.com at www.imood.com right now.

Buy "Civilised Conversation..." Merchandise! Please? All the cool kids are doing it....

Please help me pay for college by purchasing items from Amazon.com through this link!!

Do you love me?

20 September 2001 | 6:08 PM

Coming Home

Okay.

So I got an email from my Mom asking for me to come home for the holidays. She said that my Stepfather was paying a lot of money for my tuition, and he keeps asking when I'm going to come home, and that it would be nice if I could forgive (not necessarily forget,) and come home.

I have forgiven, but not forgotten. I don't feel comfortable coming home. The man threw us out of the house in the wee hours of Christmas morning. He threw presents to us to take from the house. He rejected my Christmas gift to him. I don't feel comfortable around him. I sometimes think that he takes advantage of my Mother. I'm not comfortable with that arrangement. If they're paying my tuition to lord over me around the holidays, then I think they may be paying my tuition for the wrong reason. They don't have to pay my tuition... I could get my Grandmother to pay for my tuition, or, if push comes to shove, I could drop out of college.

I emailed her back and explained to her that I had spoken with my Grandmother, and that we had come to the conclusion that coming home for Thanksgiving was a silly idea, because it's only two days, and then I would have to come back up here for finals, totally exhausted. I also explained to her that when I come home for Christmas, I'm inclined to stay with my Grandmother. It just doesn't feel right to stay at home. I asked her to try to understand, and to help me do what's right for me.

She emailed back, explaining that I probably shouldn't read the email, and that I could delete if I wanted to. That she was going to spew her gut reaction. After some blank space, she showed that she was offended that I had spoken to my Grandmother "behind [her] back," her fear that I felt the same way about her as my Grandmother does, (which is totally off- neither one of us have ANY negative feelings toward her...) How she should have known that I was going to say that. How she would see me later.

I emailed her back explaining to her that it wasn't like a malicious talking-behind-her-back kind of thing, it was casual conversation, how she knows I love her, how I was sorry, and then I pleaded for her to understand where I was coming from, etc. To help me do the right thing. I closed in saying that I loved her, even though she was mad at me right now, and that I hope she loved me, too. And another apology.

Her response:

"right now not much matters to me ... nothing personal ... maybe watching gilmore girls will help

mothers never stop loving their children"

And that was all.

Why? Why does my life have to be a stupid soap opera? Why do I drive away parents? Why am I the only one to whom I make sense? Why why why? Why is my Mom mad at me for an act of self-preservation? Why are there neglected children in the world? Why isn't there a cure for cancer? Why do college textbooks have a reputation for being spendy? Why why why? Why do people put me in positions like these? Why don't people understand? Why can't I handle everything? Why why why?

Why?

Sigh.

So I email her back asking what I can do to make her happy again.

Minutes ago, she responded:

"just make the world a nicer place ... just like you've always done

i had a super day on tuesday and this is just my re-bound ... it's always like this

i will be fine

thanks, though

don't worry"

Am I the only one who never knows what to make of things? Am I the only one who doesn't know where to go with things? This is all very exhausting.

Today's much needed smile of the day:

A sign that you're driving to fast.

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Oh, Whoops. - 10:34 PM , 02 September 2005

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Just Let Her Go. - 12:12 AM , 20 March 2005

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