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Listening to: From the Choirgirl Hotel. Not for long, though... it's not really matching my mood quite like I was expecting it too.

Currently Reading: Just barely started Jonathan Lethem's Gun, With Occasional Music. Kind of saving it for the train, as well as a stack of others (both fiction and non). Also, I recently read Laurie Notaro's I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl (again) in like two days, and peed myself laughing. Highly recommended. I also devoured The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel in, like, a mere few days. Laughed until I peed. Also highly recommended.

Wishing: income. Lots of it. Other than that, life's pretty good.

I couldn't be more The current mood of ronkc@diaryland.com at www.imood.com right now.

Buy "Civilised Conversation..." Merchandise! Please? All the cool kids are doing it....

Please help me pay for college by purchasing items from Amazon.com through this link!!

Do you love me?

09 September 2003 | 12:14 AM

Reverse Welcome Wagon

Okay.

I need to catch you all up on what's been going on in my nizzle of the wizzles.

I got the apartment, and I couldn't be more thrilled if it were huge. I have my own washer/dryer, freezer/fridge, oven, stove, microwave, my own water-heater, and a balcony. I'm going to have to sell one of my livers to afford the rent, but I'll do it if it kills me.

Think! My very first aparment!

So, the mega-manager is this ugly bitch named, let's say, Shirley. First, damn ugly. Toe-up from the flo' up, as Adana might say. It looks like someone fucked her up with an ugly stick. Her teeth are funny, and her hair is huge and ratted and matted and dry and gross, and her bangs are bigger than my ego. She should be ashamed of herself, but it seems like she just isn't. She's really rude when she talks to people, too. As if to say, "I know you think I'm ugly. So what if I am? Fuck you!"

When I went to pick up my keys today, she was sitting in the regular manager's office doing rent stuff, sitting in one of the chairs across from his desk, and all her shit was taking up the other one. Knowing full well that I was standing behind her, trying to talk over her gigantic coiffed dome, she continued to sit spread out over the entire office. It wasn't until the regular-manager asked her to move her junk so I could sit down that she did.

I started setting up in there today, and I'm totally thrilled and getting established, and I love it.

I went to the grocery store to get some stuff for the housewarming party, and I decided to pick up some cookie trays for my new neighbors.

First, my neighbor to the East. I knocked on her door and counted to thirty. A girl (not a lady, a girl) with a cellphone, dressed like J. Lo (only worse) answered the door. I explained to her that my name was Chris, and I was her new next-door neighbor, and that I brought some cookies for her and, well, whoever else might be living with her... she took the cookies and thanked me sort of impatiently and that was about it.

"Oh! I didn't catch your name," I shouted after I started down the hall.

"It's Chris," she said, before closing the door.

Nice to meet you. No really. Kuh!

Whatever.

Then to my neighbor to the West. I knocked on the door and counted to thirty. Then I knocked again, a little less gently and quietly than the first time.

Guess who it was.

Go on, guess.

I'll wait.

Just kidding.

Anyway, I'll give you a hint. It wasn't that stanky biznoochie Shirley, that's for damn shizzle.

That's right. The resident manager.

Good Lord, I thought to myself, I pray to Bob that this won't ever get awkward or uncomfortable or anything. "Oh, YOU'RE my neighbor," I said, obviously surprised. "I bought cookies for my new neighbors, so... COOKIES!" I said, handing them too him.

Apparently, he had never seen more than one cookie. "All of them? Wow! Crazy!"

That's right.

"Yeah, you know... You've got a roommate to share them with... and cats... So..." I managed...

"Cool, thanks! Welcome to the neighborhood. Cheers!"

Smooth move, Ex-Lax, I thought to myself. Way to impress your community. I'm obviously getting prom queen this year.

After he closed the door, I ran back into my apartment and called Shannon. Since Parkerboy just had a major adnoidectomy/tonsilectomy exstravaganza (they were having a special where you could get the both of 'em for a special price), the machine was on. I whisper-yelled the entire story into it, not wanting to wake anyone up. Like Shan would even care, but whatever.

Anyway.

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Just Let Her Go. - 12:12 AM , 20 March 2005

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