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Listening to: From the Choirgirl Hotel. Not for long, though... it's not really matching my mood quite like I was expecting it too.
Currently Reading: Just barely started Jonathan Lethem's Gun, With Occasional Music. Kind of saving it for the train, as well as a stack of others (both fiction and non). Also, I recently read Laurie Notaro's I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl (again) in like two days, and peed myself laughing. Highly recommended. I also devoured The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel in, like, a mere few days. Laughed until I peed. Also highly recommended.
Wishing: income. Lots of it. Other than that, life's pretty good.
I couldn't be more right now.
Buy "Civilised Conversation..." Merchandise! Please? All the cool kids are doing it....
Please help me pay for college by purchasing items from Amazon.com through this link!!
7 November 2003 | 5:27 AM
A Letter from a Future Burger-Flipper. Would you like fries with this entry?
Okay.
I know it has been forever since Ive updated. But I cant help it. I have to update now. And many of you may not like it, because Im not doing as well as I should, emotionally.
And its totally fucked, because I really have no reason to be off at all-- Im among the 10% of the worlds population who is privileged enough to get an education. I have my own 1-bedroom apartment with furniture and a washing machine and all of these marvelous amenities. I have friends who care about me, who I care about, too. So why am I off?
Here are some contributing factors, to start off:
First: sleep. My sleep has been fucked for quite some time now, and its getting worse and worse. Sometimes I just cant get to sleep, so I sleep extra-hard the next night. Its not uncommon for me to only sleep every other night. Waking up is impossible, no matter how much sleep I have-- I can easily sleep for 18 hours before slithering into the bathroom for a shower.
Second: work. [This bit was deleted. I appologise for any inconvenience.]
Third: classes. The sleep extravaganza have me so off-track, that Im screwing up some classes. I missed a midterm in my easiest class this quarter, and will need to take a hardship withdrawal because of all the crap thats going on. This particular professor, for whom I have (had?) the utmost respect because of his intellectual prowess, sense of humor, and all of that stuff, wrote me an email in which he tries to help me identify the problems Im having right now. He suggests that its one (and/or the other) of the following: (a) My physical and mental health are so overwhelming right now, that they are prohibitive to my study skills, thereby adversely affecting my academic performance, or (b) I never truly mastered the little things (like time management and other study skills) for which help might be available on campus somewhere... and that maybe this is a question of maturity-- do I really belong in college (at this point in my life, anyway)? Besides: despite what our parents and the College Board say, GPAs and degrees arent everything in life!
Which naturally leads to the fourth point: depression. My high school years come to re-haunt me. Depression. I have sunk to a level that I cant even describe. (For something very accurate, however, I might suggest reading the prologue of Elizabeth Wurtzels Prozac Nation).
So all I really want to do these days is drink and sleep-- maybe take in a movie. I havent done laundry in weeks, I just did some dishes, and dont foresee cooking for myself for quite some time. Ill be sitting around the apartment, with nothing going on except some shallow, infrequent breaths with some sighs here and there. Ive started gaining weight again, and probably will for a while, leading to more self-loathing based on my appearance... Ill end up doing some internet research on low-cost liposculpture... I may even meet with a doctor to see how much it would cost to go from this (points to self) to this (points to magazine ad), and if financing is available. This, of course, depends on whether or not Im motivated enough to actually pick up the phone and dial more than three or four numbers. I was speaking with someone of importance this afternoon and she asked me to try to think of one thing I really like doing. I couldnt think of a thing. Nothing? she asked. Not one thing that really excites you? Still, couldnt think of a thing. Which terrifies me. I wish I could just cry, but the meds have my tear ducts sealed off or something, apparently, because I cant quite get there. Oh, and also: Im broke until the end of the month.
I cant believe my professor actually suggested that Im not right for college! This is whats keeping me up at night. I cant sleep because I always end up thinking about these fuckers and what they did and said to me... about how much Ive grown to hate them, and about how I simply CANNOT (legally) express my anger and frustration to them without ending up in some sort of precarious or dangerous or awkward situation.
So thats my story. Im getting more and more depressed (although the doctor is adjusting meds, so it may only be a matter of time), while thinking about what job I could possibly hold down and make enough to justify dropping out of college for it. Basically, Im a mess.
Stay tuned to see how this one turns out, eh?
A - Z - 4:37 AM , 26 March 2005 w00t - 12:15 AM , 25 March 2005 Just Let Her Go. - 12:12 AM , 20 March 2005 I'm so deep-thinky. - 2:18 AM , 14 March 2005 Mountain Fresh! - 6:14 PM , 13 March 2005
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