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Listening to: From the Choirgirl Hotel. Not for long, though... it's not really matching my mood quite like I was expecting it too.

Currently Reading: Just barely started Jonathan Lethem's Gun, With Occasional Music. Kind of saving it for the train, as well as a stack of others (both fiction and non). Also, I recently read Laurie Notaro's I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl (again) in like two days, and peed myself laughing. Highly recommended. I also devoured The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel in, like, a mere few days. Laughed until I peed. Also highly recommended.

Wishing: income. Lots of it. Other than that, life's pretty good.

I couldn't be more The current mood of ronkc@diaryland.com at www.imood.com right now.

Buy "Civilised Conversation..." Merchandise! Please? All the cool kids are doing it....

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Do you love me?

20 March 2004 | 9:36 PM

"You're Family."

Okay.

Today was Grandpa Ronk�s funeral.

I saw my father for the first time in years.

We didn�t actually speak, you see. I just saw him there. I don�t think he saw me.

Everyone was talking about my Grandfather, and it came to my attention that, much to my chagrin, I had no idea who he was. I mean, I know who he was, but I never knew who he was. What was he like spiritually? Politically? I never heard his stories. I never knew what he did, where he went, what he liked. All I have is a few faint memories from my childhood.

Again, this is the second grandfather I�ve lost this year. That was my last one.

Then it hit me: I want a grandfather.

Then something else hit me: I want a father! Is that so much to ask? I really don�t think it is. What went wrong? Why isn�t my father, you know, like, there? I mean, he was there, but he wasn�t like, you know. There.

When the shindig was coming to a close, the pastor informed us that the family was to process out first, across the courtyard and into the reception hall, and the rest of those gathered could follow.

I was sitting in the back row. As Grandma Norma walked by, she didn�t see me. Aunt Linda saw me, and smiled and said hello, as did Grammy Pat, and my Step-Mother Fammy, and some other family members, but my father didn�t even really look. Maybe he saw me before and chose to ignore me, or maybe he just plain didn�t see me� I mean, you�re at your father�s funeral, maybe you�re not exactly taking roll, you know? Anyway. The �family� (of which I hadn�t really been considering myself a part, what with being the black sheep and all�or maybe I�m the white sheep in a family of black ones, I really don�t know), had almost finished walking out.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Grammy.

�You�re family,� she said simply.

Oh my Bob.

Not that I hadn�t been crying during the service, because Bob knows that I was, but seriously, those words were like, they were like, I don�t even know what.

So I joined them in their short parade. Mom said she would be waiting in the car. I actually joined them in their short parade.

And I spoke with Aunt Linda for a little while, and to Grammy Pat, and to a few of my cousins.

And when I got just inside the hall, my heart stopped. My Dad was there.

The room suddenly looked so much smaller, like they do in TV shows and movies and stuff. And I thought, �I don�t know anyone here except for family. And everyone else will be talking to them. And I will not be able to avoid talking to my Father. Or my Step-Mother.� And what would I say? I have. To. Leave. Right. Now.

I gathered Mom and explained that we had to go.

And we went.

And I feel like a damned fool.

There were family members I hadn�t met there. That I really wanted to meet. My brother may have even been there. I really don�t know, since I haven�t met him either. I�m just the family leper, I guess.

So I fired off an email to both of my grandmothers, and I secretly pray to Bob Almighty that they will email me back straight away and tell me to come down for a family get-together.

Surely there will be activities this week? Reading the will perhaps? I don�t know how these things work.

I just feel like I want to get down there and catch up, I guess.

Have I totally screwed this one up, too?

Jeebus Crow.

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