Rings|Clix|G-book|Profile|Recommend

Listening to: From the Choirgirl Hotel. Not for long, though... it's not really matching my mood quite like I was expecting it too.

Currently Reading: Just barely started Jonathan Lethem's Gun, With Occasional Music. Kind of saving it for the train, as well as a stack of others (both fiction and non). Also, I recently read Laurie Notaro's I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl (again) in like two days, and peed myself laughing. Highly recommended. I also devoured The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel in, like, a mere few days. Laughed until I peed. Also highly recommended.

Wishing: income. Lots of it. Other than that, life's pretty good.

I couldn't be more The current mood of ronkc@diaryland.com at www.imood.com right now.

Buy "Civilised Conversation..." Merchandise! Please? All the cool kids are doing it....

Please help me pay for college by purchasing items from Amazon.com through this link!!

Do you love me?

22 October 2001 | 2:57 AM

Disclaimer After Ritual "Okay."

Okay.

My disclaimer is that you might not want to read this if you're not in the mood to be bummed out, if you have a weak stomach, or if you don't want to listen to me bitch. Or any combination of these.

After my last entry, this is somewhat of a 180. But here's the events of the last hour or so:

Tossing and turning in bed. Stormy sky. Stormy mind. Stormy stomach.

I wish I hadn't eaten so much today.
I wish I had done so much more studying this weekend.
I wish I weren't "obese."
I wish my room were clean.
I wish I could live my life better than I'm living it now.
I wish I were normal
I wish I understood my own incapability to be like normal people in waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, and getting all required things done in between.
I wish I had mailed that package today.
I wish my stomach would stop churning
I wish my mind would stop churning
I wish the wind would stop blowing.
I wish I could get past where I left off in that damned self-help book.
I wish I could achieve some sort of balance between my stupid "always alone, but never lonely" approach to romantic life, and the chilly lack of cuddling I notice far too often.
I wish my medical life weren't one big vicious cycle in which all my disorders and illnesses and problems lead to depression and anxiety, which lead to skin problems which lead to medications which cause other skin problems which require medications in ammounts I can't possibly take on a perfect schedule.

So I pray. I pray for help in waking, in sleeping, and in everything in between. I pray for peace. I pray for strength. I pray for motivation. I pray for a soothed stomach.

I put my Rosary beads down when I'm done. I turn on the light, but on my glasses and my robe and power-walk to the bathroom. Gagging and heaving violently, I achieve the sort of catharsis my life seems to need every day, on so many levels. I need to vomit. I need to cleanse my body, and my living space, and my mind, and my heart and my soul, and my body and everything else belonging to me. I need to cleanse these things of everything impure, everything excessive, everything harmful or wasteful or noxious or dangerous or tumultuous.

I need to walk back to my room, brush my teeth, wipe my eyes, and blow my childishly dripping nose. And I need to go to bed, because I am now more exhausted than ever before, it seems.

And I toss for a little while longer, but sleep doesn't come. So I drain myself into what will probably be a very sobering diary entry.

Perhaps I should start going to therapy every week again. When I wake up, I should call Mom, who will get in touch with the old psychiatrist, who will get in touch with me regarding some new medications now on the market. I should call the psychiatrist, and the internist. The internist will call the dermatologist, with whom I will need to get in touch, via the internist. The internist will get in touch with the insurance company, who will then get back in touch with the internist who will get back in touch with me regarding some sort of gastric bypass surgery to aleviate some back pain, anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression which we know to lead to skin problems which will have fed into the evil cycle that is my pill-planner.

Dammit. Why can't I keep this from happening? Why does this happen at all. I need for all of this to be fixed immediately. I can't drop out of college and end up in a mental hospital. I need for all of this to fix itself right now.

Okay.

Nighttime makes everything worse. So I'm going to take one of the sleeping pills I think I've been hoarding, and when I wake up, I will get to work on these problems immediately.

Okay.

I can make it through this.

I can.

��������������������������������������������������

Oh, Whoops. - 10:34 PM , 02 September 2005

In Like Hula-Hoops. - 11:28 PM , 12 April 2005

A - Z - 4:37 AM , 26 March 2005

w00t - 12:15 AM , 25 March 2005

Just Let Her Go. - 12:12 AM , 20 March 2005

��������������������������������������������������


�2001 Design by CC | Words by ronkc