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Listening to: From the Choirgirl Hotel. Not for long, though... it's not really matching my mood quite like I was expecting it too.

Currently Reading: Just barely started Jonathan Lethem's Gun, With Occasional Music. Kind of saving it for the train, as well as a stack of others (both fiction and non). Also, I recently read Laurie Notaro's I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl (again) in like two days, and peed myself laughing. Highly recommended. I also devoured The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel in, like, a mere few days. Laughed until I peed. Also highly recommended.

Wishing: income. Lots of it. Other than that, life's pretty good.

I couldn't be more The current mood of ronkc@diaryland.com at www.imood.com right now.

Buy "Civilised Conversation..." Merchandise! Please? All the cool kids are doing it....

Please help me pay for college by purchasing items from Amazon.com through this link!!

Do you love me?

21 November 2001 | 2:38 AM

Email Tag

Okay.

What time is it? Ah yes, nearly three in the morning. How exhausted am I? Ah yes, very. What am I not doing right now? Ah yes, sleeping.

Why, again?

Well, my neighbor is really sweet. She really likes music, too. And who doesn't? I mean it's a noble pursuit, if not a terrific pasttime, trivial interest.

But it's loud. And it's late. And I'm trying to sleep. The only way I can block it out is to put my headphones into my computer and watch Pippin on DVD. Damn.

I can't just go and knock... She's too nice. I don't want to piss her off. I don't feel like being the asshole tonight.

I'm also fairly frustrated, because my school's internet server seems to only operate during business hours. Leaving me screwed right up the ass when I try to update my diary, et cetera. Other people have research which needs to be done this weekend, which can't be done until we get our flipping internet access back. Buh.

So my financial situation is begining to suck ass. Seriously. I'm hitting a low spot emotionally. I'm visiting doctors left and right, having to pay my own bills. My Mom's suposed divorce is apparently more of a problem than what she's willing to deal with, which makes things a bit difficult. I don't have a job right now, there's nothing available for the kind of funding I've been rewarded. A bit nerve-wracking.

I may have mentioned that my Mom had left my step-father. She emails me.

Sent: 11/19/2001 1:38 PM
Subject: (no subject)

dear chris-o:
well, i'm home again. i know this must disappoint you, but i hope you can be generous in your understanding.
there are a number of reasons why i came back. to name a few, i didn't see many alternatives for me (in many different areas); i didn't feel like i had the gumption to move on with all the legal hassles; but most of all, because despite our differences and the crap that we fling at each other, prescott and i really do love each other. although you might think this is complete bunk, it is the thing that makes me want to believe that we can work things out. we've talked seriously since friday night and both of us have put a lot of stuff out on the table. both of us have gained some insight into how the other has been feeling and operating. with some understandings, i came back yesterday.

i love you; i miss you.
i wish i was a perfect mother.
mom

To which I reply:

Sent: 11/19/2001 8:12 PM
Subject: RE: (no subject)

I really don't know what to say. I'm going to have to talk to [psychiatrist] before I really respond to any of this.
If I remember correctly, the reason you two got back together last time was because you love each other. And then he called you a spoiled baby, and told you to go take some more pills.
I'm still not understanding why not having options would be a valid reason to go back to your abusive husband. It's not fair to you. And that's who I really care about. That's who you should really care about.
You shouldn't wish you were a perfect mother, your mothering is fine. I think that you might want to look at how you're treating yourself.
I know that you're going to have a hard time with this, but it really makes me reluctant to come home for Christmas.

I love you.
Chris-O

To which she replies:

Sent: 11/20/2001 2:02 PM
Subject: (no subject)

thanks for your e-mail ... i hope dr. [psychiatrist] is helpful to you ... if you have another phone appointment with dr. [old psychiatrist], you might want to talk to her about me ... i saw her yesterday, and maybe she could be helpful too.

i went on-line to check my washington mutual activity and found a borrinchinni (sp?) bakery charge for yesterday. i think the bank may have gotten somthing mixed up. i don't care about the charge, but could you confirm that you used your card there so i can straighten things out with washington mutual.

i also checked out your account activity ... i have a suggestion or two, but i don't think i want to go into it now. i want to think first and write later. since most of your spending money comes from you and/or grandma, i suppose i shouldn't butt in ... if you want me to shut up, just say the word.

could you please check out how much "food credit" you have on your su card? if there is a big carry-over, you might want to choose a lesser plan for next quarter.

hope you have a nice thanksgiving.

love, mom

So then, I email this:

borriccini's is where you got my birthday cake. I haven't ever actually been there myself, so if there's problem you might want to get in touch with them. If you want me to pay you for the cake, that's cool, too.

i do have quite a bit of meal plan points left over. i'll switch to a smaller meal plan for next quarter.

Dr. [psychiatrist] isn't seeing patients again for the rest of the week, I guess, so I'll be seeing him next Friday.

I haven't talked to McQuade since her squash prophecy, and though she asked me to call and make another phone appointment, i haven't yet. I don't want her to be billing you for 15 minute phonecalls involving her migraine headaches, a lot of silence, and me saying, "well, I guess I'm okay..."

i'm also aware of my financial situation. I'm looking for a job on campus, but since the work-study students seem to outnumber the work-study positions, I'm going to have to wait until someone goes to study abroad, apparently. I'm still out there, though.

love you, Chris

So I spoke with my Grandmother about all of this, and have come to the conclusion that we're not bonkers, it's just silly. And frustrating.

Just so you all know, I would like to mention that, while there is some financial conflict in my life right now, it is not entirely due to my carelessness in spending. It also has to do with the expectation that Mom would give me the money she promised me a little earlier in all of this, and also because of a $100 charge to my checking account made by, none other, my Mother. It's difficult to know what to do in these situations, I find. Do I draw cash advances from all of my credit cards? Do I write bad checks? Do I get on the phone with grandma and cry? All of these seem like possible ways out, but I gotta tell ya, I could really use some assistance here... To help me out, please visit my personal website (under "Links" dropdown), and there should be a link on that page saying how one can contribute to my college education without having to purchase books. It's really terrific, and I'm sorry to have to ask this, but I'm in a bit of a tight spot. Sigh. Encouraging words and funny stories are appreciated as well. Thank you so much!

Here's to a fantastic day of Giving Thanks!

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