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Listening to: From the Choirgirl Hotel. Not for long, though... it's not really matching my mood quite like I was expecting it too.

Currently Reading: Just barely started Jonathan Lethem's Gun, With Occasional Music. Kind of saving it for the train, as well as a stack of others (both fiction and non). Also, I recently read Laurie Notaro's I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl (again) in like two days, and peed myself laughing. Highly recommended. I also devoured The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel in, like, a mere few days. Laughed until I peed. Also highly recommended.

Wishing: income. Lots of it. Other than that, life's pretty good.

I couldn't be more The current mood of ronkc@diaryland.com at www.imood.com right now.

Buy "Civilised Conversation..." Merchandise! Please? All the cool kids are doing it....

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Do you love me?

08 January 2002 | 11:09 PM

Grey and Dingy.

Okay.

I kind of feel like I am going to die because of all the worrying I seem to be doing.

Classes have started again, and although this quarter's courses seem interesting, I think they will all be very challenging.

I'm really tired and irritable. Today, this really skanky girl (who few people care for) sat next to me in class, and I thought, "I hate you so much that I just want to beat you senseless with your own brolly." I don't even know her, really, I just think that she dresses like a trashy prostitute, and almost seems to try to act like one. And it drives me mad. I don't really want to bludgeon her, those thoughts just popped into my mind. It's way time to see Dr. Psychiatrist.

I did laundry tonight, which was also way past due. I only did a little. The building's washers and dryers are so crappy that one of my loads didn't spin, and so my clothes were drying for over two hours and twenty minutes, and are still damp. Also, everything is now dingy and grey, or bluish-green. Even the brand-new towels from Bed, Bath and Beyond.

While a realise that many don't have food to eat, or clothes to wear, or places to sleep, and that my grey laundry is the least of the world's problems, this really gets to me, especially in my Obsessive-Compulsive psychological state. I feel upset and nervous. I feel dirty. Not morally dirty so much as physically filthy. I'm scared, and exhausted, having rendered myself psychologically invalid over a set of dingy towels and socks and the like.

I think about how this is symbolic of my life. I try to do little maintenance-y things, and everything comes out damp and grey. How do I manage to throw a pair of black jeans in with my white towels and socks and the like? How do I manage to take one dark, (perhaps even respectable,) aspect of my life and let it run all over the white, clean pure things in my life? How can I let my sleep be effected by the the straightness (or lack thereof) of the books on my shelf? How does my academic value suffer because of the time between my last room-dusting and the present? How do I manage to do these things?

I really don't know.

This is exactly why I'm not having kids. I don't want for anyone else to have to go through this kind of psychological shit if they don't have to.

I think I've started smoking again, as well.

I've just taken my sleeping pill, so I'm going to go get some sleep now so that tomorrow's class isn't a total waste.

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