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Listening to: From the Choirgirl Hotel. Not for long, though... it's not really matching my mood quite like I was expecting it too.

Currently Reading: Just barely started Jonathan Lethem's Gun, With Occasional Music. Kind of saving it for the train, as well as a stack of others (both fiction and non). Also, I recently read Laurie Notaro's I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl (again) in like two days, and peed myself laughing. Highly recommended. I also devoured The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel in, like, a mere few days. Laughed until I peed. Also highly recommended.

Wishing: income. Lots of it. Other than that, life's pretty good.

I couldn't be more The current mood of ronkc@diaryland.com at www.imood.com right now.

Buy "Civilised Conversation..." Merchandise! Please? All the cool kids are doing it....

Please help me pay for college by purchasing items from Amazon.com through this link!!

Do you love me?

2001-08-06 | 7:49 p.m.

big fat ass

Have you ever gotten out of the shower and tried to dry off with a wet towel? Okay, just checking. I did this morning, and it's not a particulary euphoric experience, in my opinion.

I was going to get up really, really early this morning, so as to get a lot of laundry done, and to be out of the room when the noisy, invasive contractors showed up. That, however was not the case.

You see, recently, my psychiatrist suggested that I join Weight Watchers. That's correct-- my psychiatrist suggested that I join Weight Watchers.

So, last night, I'm trying to think of the closest Weight Watchers. There's two in the area, and they're both a little far from the campus. I don't have a car, of course, so I would have to walk there. I'm not very good at the bus system, either, but I guess that could be an option...

ANYWAY, I went to weightwatchers.com last night to try to see if there were any others in the area. The others are an even LONGER walk away. But in order for the system to work, you have to meet every week. The meeting times aren't very convenient, either. I wonder to myself why there's not something set up for people in my situation... why we can't just weigh OURSELVES in, and then meet in an online chatroom or on a big conference call... I can't figure it out, though.

So while I'm on the site, I calculate my Body Mass Index (or "BMI"). Mine is roughly 30. This means I am excessively overweight, or OBESE. Now, keep in mind that my physician wrote the word "OBESE" in the report of my physical. Twice. Once under general description, once under abdominal description. So, I'm decidedly OBESE. Say it with me, OBESE. Also please note that this will be the SECOND shrink in 3 years to suggest Weight Watchers.

(an aside: I spoke with a woman once who said to me, "If Overeaters Anonymous is so effective, why are they still going to meetings?" Think about it.)

THEN I take the quiz so I can "Learn More About Your Excercise Style!" As far as I could tell, my style was to sit here on my big, fat ass and slap on my electro-muscle stimulator, and let it fly. After taking the quiz, it tells me that I'm "definitely an outdoor excerciser!" Whatever. I also take this other quiz about, "Are You Ready to Lose Weight?" I'm thinking to myself, "Well, fucking DUH. I'm here at weightwatchers.com, aren't I?" After taking the quiz, I'm encouraged to reconsider my motivation for losing weight. WHAT? I'M A FUCKING FAT-ASS! THAT'S NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON? BECAUSE RANDOM PEOPLE EMAIL ME TO TELL ME THAT I'M "FUCKING UGLY?" BECAUSE BOEING RENTS MY ASS AS A MAKE-SHIFT HELIPAD? THESE AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH REASONS?!?!?!? Whatever.

So, yeah. I'm supposed to join Weight Watchers, but can't attend meetings logistically, and my motivation needs reconsideration. Notice how all the time I spent at weightwatchers.com resulted in my continuation in OBESITY. I'm so (sarcastically) glad that I have found yet ANOTHER dead end in the maze that is weight loss.

Damned shame that they took Phen-fen off the market. I did FINE on that medication. I lost 40 pounds in 3 months. I was thinner than I had ever been in my entire life (I was actually UNDERWEIGHT, for ONCE!!) I was more confident in my appearance than I had ever been before. And they took it away from me.

I can't fit into a lot of my clothes, anymore. My mom thinks I have too many clothes as is, and therefore should have no more. Ever. I'm embarassed to look in the mirror every day. And losing is impossible, unless I have liposuction, or gather enough will power to become anorexic, which I just may have to do.

After thinking about all this, I try to go to bed. I was exhausted, and upset- frustrated. Even after two rosaries, half a sleeping pill, and a hot shower (at maybe 2:00 AM), I couldn't go to sleep right away. I got maybe four or six hours of sleep last night.

And that's how my towel was wet this morning when I got out of the shower.

After getting ready and putting on some EXTRA-EXTRA-LARGE clothes, I met with my professor... That was encouraging... We discussed some really interesting stuff. I also seem to be right on track, as far as the class is concerned, which is encouraging.

My room is still a mess, as is my weight, but I had ordered some weight loss stuff (like herbal craving-fighters and meal replacement drink mixes), and if that doesn't work as it should, I can just switch to Slim Fast, and not eat anything but vegetables so as to kick up my metabolism, or something like that. I also bought one of those things that you strap around your abdomen and wear under your clothes to make you look slimmer... I just hardly know what to do anymore... It all seems really hopeless.

Anyway, so, yeah. I'm tired and frustrated, but encouraged about my class. So I'm going to try to get some work done, and then try to go to bed.

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